Ripped

This was originally going to be a rant, but what good does that really do? There's a tear, deep in my soul. Instead of trying to be tough and showing I'm invincible, hard, unmoved...I'll be vulnerable, honest, open.

There have been people in my life who have excluded me from particular areas of theirs. Specifically with friends. Not being open to including someone they say they care for, showing Every side of them, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Everyone tends to take on different personas depending on who they're around.

Feeling left out, excluded from that part of someone, well, quite frankly, it hurts. A lot. Being put into a "time slot" for special occasions, while others get to be apart of the main event, Really stinks.

I've never asked to be included all the time. But to be continually shoved off into the corner and only allowed into certain aspect of a person's time, has ripped a piece of me, over and over and over. All I've ever wanted was to be given a chance. I guess that was asking too much. Doesn't really matter now anyway.

frozen delight

yummy goodness

filling my soul

this black hole

with chilled refreshment

smiles bubbling over

spreading across iced lips

waiting impatiently

for more

who really knows...

splinters

shredding

stabbing

stinging.

tears

trickling

tracing

tiring.

confusion

confounding

complicated

continuing...

Stickers

I'm going to shed some stickers from my life! Why?... because I have too many stuck on me and I'm So tired of feeling weighed down.

If you have an opinion of how I should be, live my life, do/say this or that... by all means, let it be known. I'll listen, consider... but ultimately... it's MY life. These are MY choices, and I will do what I damn well feel like. So if I don't follow your ideal path for me, let it go. Don't try to preach or shove your opinion down my throat. It's the fastest way to be pushed away from me. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts/opinions/what have you... I'll respect yours, so respect mine. If you don't agree... learn how to agree to disagree.

Guilt... a sticker I will never truly be able to shed, but I can try. It eats at me. A simple look, sound, gesture... they may mean a lot more to me than you intend. It's because I care, about certain peoples thoughts, feelings, etc. I tend to put those ahead of what I want. I'd rather be unhappy than see someone else feel down. But with all the negative that surrounds me, I have to remember to keep my chin up and look to the positive. Sometimes that's easier said than done, but its vital for me. Just know that sometimes, your actions/words hit a wound you didn't know existed, and it hurts, deeply.

I have to stop pushing those I care most about away because I'm scared. Fear needs to just go away. Another thing that probably isn't completely possible, but I'll make a valiant effort. I'm so scared I'll lose the one I love most. Scared I'll let you down, I wont be enough or what you want. Terrified... that I'll make you unhappy. The fear of falling back down is constantly there, and losing myself. I'm tired of feeling lost.

Is it That important that I answer the phone before the 3rd ring? Seriously, get over yourself... use the extra hand & ear God gave you and pick up the phone yourself. This is a prime example of one of the stupid negatives that add up... don't let the little things mean so much. After a while the pile keeps growing and gets to be too much. It's time to stop suffocating myself with minute details. Shit happens, gotta let it go and move on.

Please stop making me feel like working out is what makes me Me. Yes, it was something I did a great deal... when I had time, when I felt strong. I don't have the same time, or strength. Let me work my way back up. Hitting rock bottom sucks, and it takes time to climb back out of that hole. It doesn't just happen over night. But just because it was something I did a lot, doesn't mean it's who I am now.

I'm trying to figure that part out all over again. Patience and understanding is what I need. Not pushiness or overbearing opinions. Telling me what I need won't get you anywhere. Listening and sometimes space is what works well. I need to identify these "stickers" and figure out how to shed them. Hopefully it won't be as impossible as it sounds....

...

looming; heavy

shadows descending.

extending reach.

planted footfall

on crystal,

gaping darkness.

misting doubt;

forced leap.

Incompetence!

I need to vent a little, so if you don't want to read, I don't really care one way or the other....

It has come to my attention that so much of the workforce is managed by incompetent idiots, who are actually managed by their  employees. I am tired of having to organize or pick up my boss' shit! If I'm going to be your personal assistant, my job description needs to be changed, I demand a raise, and I'll be keeping a detailed schedule of your day to day, since you can't seem to keep up with it yourself.

It would be kind of nice if you had the courtesy of letting me know you have meetings scheduled, so I can at least be prepared when random people walk in the door expecting that I know who they are and what they're doing here. Don't make me look like the idiot.

Oh, and when you aren't going to come into work or are running late, I know you're technically my boss...but a simple phone call would be nice. That way, when Your boss calls trying to find you, I'll know what to say...or better yet, call Your boss! Everyone should be help accountable, even you. 

No one is above answering the phone. Unless you are paying my salary, you have two ears, two hands, and are capable of saying "Hello, how may I help you". It only rings an average of 15 times a day, so you shouldn't be overwhelmed. Making me come into work to answer the phone is unacceptable. If you have time to dabble in non-work related internet whatnot...you have time to help out a little. 

Oh! And for those of you who think you don't have to help maintain a level of cleanliness (ie washing your own damn dishes), you have another thing coming. Just because I am a female, does not mean I have to do all the cleaning around here. Once again, you have two hands...the toilet/sinks need wiping, vacuuming is not rocket science, and don't try to say you're busy...because watching YouTube, or reading India's news does not count. 

You don't know how to manage anyone, much less yourself. I'm tired of acting like your mom and reminding you of work that needs to get done, or is past due! Stop trying to take over every little thing I do and take credit for it. It's almost been 9 months and this custom label shit is STILL not up and running! Quit dragging your feet and DO YOUR JOB! 

Ok, sorry...I think I'm good for now :)

Whirlwinds & Tornados

The last month has been a whirlwind of emotions. Finding solid ground to land on has seemed impossible. Just when I think I'll find my footing, I get swept back up.

I realize everything happens for a reason... knowing the whys and hows would sometimes be nice though. His hands are big and strong, and I trust Him completely... but it still isn't always easy to let go and trust. 

The entire last year has been a roller-coaster; more downs than ups. But this summer I've enjoyed the higher points. While the last month has been scary... it's been great, very refreshing. I've been challenged, and even though it's not always fun, it's been good for me. 

Last week was just what I needed :) And I want more of it... but only time will tell. I think that's what scares me... the unknown. 

On top of the whirlwind, a tornado touched down and threw me for a loop. Have my prayers been answered? Is it really possible? All the emotional scarring from the past year... for what? I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry, probably a combination of the two. 

There's no point in looking back and holding on... let what has been be, and learn from it as I move forward... that is what I intend on doing. But the past still hurts. Can you truly let go and be free from it? I hope so...