Boredom!

So, I'm at work...bored...nothing new there. Andy (my boss), apparently isn't coming in today. A simple call would have been nice, letting me know this. There's a very good chance I would have taken the day off! Especially since the weather is BEAUTIFUL and rain is coming tomorrow through the weekend. What good are days off when you can't enjoy being out?!

In the past I wouldn't mind being bored. I'd usually read, look random stuff up online, play games, watch movies. But I felt bad for that lol, so I broke that habit. I'm thinking of picking up the reading one again though. Otherwise, I just sit here and think. And thinking too much can be a bad thing.

Speaking of boring...this blog is Wack, so I'm going to leave it at that. Ciao! :)

Temperamental

So I'm on my way home for lunch today, get off on my exit, and sit at the red light for over 5 minutes...(low blood sugar+short fuse=no bueno) needless to say, I'm fuming at this point. Making it worse, apparently a cop is a few cars in front of me and Finally decides to do something about this ridiculous light. 

I make it home, calmed down a little, walk inside to tell the rents about this absurd light. Dad rolls his eyes, sighs, continues his conversation with mom as if I am blowing the situation up (ok so maybe I did). They walk out on the deck to talk and leave the door open; I sit to play the piano and calm down completely (dad just spiked the temper back up some). 

Tell me why this dude huffs and mumbles loud enough for me to hear and closes the door. Oh, I was LIVID! It still makes me mad. But I think the root of it is that it hurt. My playing sucks? You're tired of hearing me play the same things? You know what songs I play when I'm in an ill mood, and you just don't want to deal with me?

I don't want to play anymore with anyone around. That might be silly, but it's how he made me feel. Just because I'm in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to join me, making me the cause of your bad mood. It just escalades my own! 

When I left to head back to work, they're back inside and he tries to ask what's wrong. No response, I just head toward the door. He huffs over saying he's going to walk me out...in a calm tone... 

"No, I'm fine, I just want to go back to work". 

"Really, let me walk you out so we can talk. Are you mad at me?" 

"No seriously, I don't want to talk. I just want to go back to work".  

Why don't people listen. I'm trying to keep a level head and walk away, but keep pushing, and eventually, I'm gonna let it out. Sometimes, I hate that I can be so temperamental :-/

What dreams may come

Dreams; what are they? Do they mean something? What do they represent? 

Everyone has those chase scene dreams, where you never really get away. Why? As fast as you run, it's never fast enough. It's really frustrating. 

I am always chased by a man - always around the same age - usually with a gun - trying to shoot me. WTF?! I never did anything to him! Unfortunately, he always catches up to me and I have to face him at some point.

Well the other night, I got ahold of a gun myself. But when I turned to face him, no matter how many times I shot him, he kept coming as if he were just fine! As bad as it is, I even aimed for his head. Why wouldn't he fall? It made me question my aim, which in real life probably isn't great. 

Is this dream telling me I try to fight the menaces in life trying to chase me away? That if I get a gun, it won't be effective? That no matter if I fight, life will eventually take me down? That sucks. 

I don't wake up remembering most dreams, especially long enough to write it down later. But this one, as well as other "chase dreams", is stuck in my memory. 

What am I running from? What am I fighting?

What Ifs...

To live one's life looking back, and wondering about all those 'what ifs' takes away from the pleasure of the present. Well, letting go is easier said than done, and quite frankly...that sucks. I want to let go; I want to move on; I want to be rid of this nagging 'what if'!

That fact is 'what if' isn't; so its pointless to linger over something that cannot be altered. Maybe it isn't so much what if, as knowing what it would/could have been? That's just as stupid to be stuck on though!

Everyone moves through life at their own pace, down their own path. Will our paths ever intertwine again? Should I have stayed, or was leaving the right thing to do? 'What if' I'd stayed? Should I have stayed? Guess I'll never know. 

I thought I'd washed my hands of this. Why now? Why can't this haunting stop?! This hollow feeling needs to go away! I'm ready to let go. 

Road Rage

Have you ever been driving along, glance in your rearview mirror and notice the person behind you fuming and sometimes yelling? Well that person behind you is probably me :)

Yes, I have a touch of road rage, at times. I was asked what caused me to get to this point of physical expression. Well, I honestly didn't have a clue. So it's high time I considered this question and have decided to write it here. 

Sometimes I'm in a rush because, like so many females, I'm running late. In which case, I Always get stuck behind the slowest driver alive! This is when patience would be great; but unfortunately, my patience can only last so long. 

Then there are those "rare" drivers, who either cut you off or ride your tail (sparking your own road rage). Nothing like making someone else mad just because you are.

I have considered that my anger is first triggered by fear. I don't trust other drivers. There are the others with road rage who drive like maniacs, the thoughtless ones on the phone who can't multi-task and swerve into your lane or go beyond slow. I'm probably leaving some out, but those are the two types that cause me the most trouble. While I might tend to be aggressive at times, I'm very defensive as well. I have to be, with all the crazies out there who somehow got a license. 

So those are the two factors in escalating my road rage, running late & fear of other driver's stupidity. I've found that I become uneasy when I don't have control over certain situations. Driving is definitely one of them. 

Procrastination

I'm probably one of the worst procrastinators of all time. It's quite sad really; but as hard as I try to improve, I put even that off! :)

My therapist told me the other day that apparently it's a sign of depression. Well, considering all of the people out there that procrastinate, does that mean pretty much everyone is depressed? That's a disheartening thought! And here I was feeling like my mood had gotten better and I was healing. However, I think that it's a symptom for those people who didn't already procrastinate. 

I've never considered myself to be a very assertive person. That's something I'd like to change. Going with the flow is how I've primarily lived my life. But that's not necessarily the best route. Like most things, there needs to be a balance. Knowing when to assert myself, and when to ride the waves is something I'm learning; slow but surely.  

John 1:38

³⁸ Jesus looked around and saw them following. “What do you want?” he asked them.

What do I want?...

I'm struck by this simple, yet complex question. Sure I've filled out surveys asking this very question, but I haven't Really figured it out. It is something that is always changing, yet the same. I want to be happy. I want to feel wanted & loved. I want to know my purpose in this life. I want my family & friends to be safe and happy. I want to be financially secure. There are sooo many things I want; but at the root of it all...what do I want? 

With millions of layers to the question, there are just as many answers. But what is the right answer? Is there one? I know that without God, nothing is possible. So should I simply say that I want God in my life, to guide me down that path He has chosen for me? I just don't know.

I've felt this nagging feeling of being useless, as if I have no purpose. Or that I'm floating, unsure of where I need to be or what I need to be doing. And beyond that, what the reason for my being is. Am I here on this Earth to accomplish something? Big or small? Will I have any impact on one life, or many? Is there a chance that I am simply here to be here, and enjoy life as it comes? Ugh! So many questions that form out of this one question. It is not a small or simple question. But maybe it could be...Who is to say?