Hunny Bunny

Random fact of the day: I may try to act like a hard ass, but in reality I'm a very sensitive person. Those of you reading who know me well, are probably smiling and nodding in agreement lol. 

I suck at keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden. Honesty is very important to me, which might be why I suck at lying :) 

When I'm happy, I can't keep a smile or giggle in. When I'm mad, haha well... it's quite obvious. And when I'm down, or deep in thought, hiding it is impossible. 

The last year has been hellacious, and unfortunately for those closest to me, you've seen my ups and downs. You'll never understand how truly grateful I am for your love and unfailing support. I can only hope and pray to be half of what you've been for me. 

Before this roller-coaster year, I knew who I was, what I wanted. I felt like I had a lot to offer. College was a time for me to learn a great deal; about myself, life lessons, and made me realize who/what I don't want to be. 

One of my biggest struggles has been feeling unwanted, 'tainted', worthless. Like I have nothing to offer anymore. It's taken over a year to finally feel like I'm healing and accepting my reality, but not letting it define who I am. I lost my sense of self.

Being a passionate/sensitive/emotional person makes it difficult to look at certain situations objectively. I know I do have a lot to offer, and I'm worth the time/effort. I want to be seen for Me, not the scarlet letter I feel burned onto me. Expecting you to automatically be able to do this is unrealistic. I just hope in time you won't have to try to look past it, you just will. 

I don't want to feel 'tainted'... I want to be accepted, for me. My baggage is an issue, one I feel shame & guilt over... I can only hope the weight of it will lighten more with time... :-' 

Platonic Possibilities

There is an ongoing debate as to whether or not guys and girls can really be 'just friends'. I read an article the other day on yahoo explaining how to have a relationship, and still have friends of the opposite sex. It was repetitive and pretty lame...basically saying you have to keep the lines of communication open and be honest. And if your other half is not okay with the friendship, you should put your relationship first. I find it sad that people should have to be told this...seems like a common sense kind of thing to me. 

Anywho...I've never had many female friends. They tend to be catty and bitchy, so I have my select few, leaving the rest to be guys. Which is probably why I had to write my previous blog. My standards are pretty high, and its very rare that I come across a male friend who meets them. That may sound conceited, but the fact is...I'm not going to settle. I've done it before and look where it got me! 

I'd like to consider myself a good friend. Always there to listen/talk/give a helping hand, whatever it is my friend needs. Unfortunately, some take that the wrong way and think more into it than is really there. As long as they can accept I just want to be their friend, there's no problem. 

Communication is important in any relationship; whether it be friends, family, etc. As long as both parties are clear on where the friendship stands, and can accept it...there should be no problem. 

Granted...my dad is probably right, one person may want more than just friendship, but they have to decide if they can settle with just being platonic friends. Otherwise, it's not going to work. 

Ok this is lame so I'll stop rambling :)

Just not that into you...at all

Here's the deal guys...I'm tired of wasting my energy worrying about how to let you down without hurting your feelings. So take notes, and don't take it too personally. 

I'm not into playing games, and I'm not one, so don't try to play me. What you see is what you get. If you ask me when I'll come see you and I don't commit or don't respond in a timely fashion, thats not because I'm busy, it's because I'm trying to find a nice way of say 'it ain't gonna happen'.

Just because I might smile and be a little flirty, that doesn't mean I want you in any other way than a friend. If you know me at all, you'd know I'm flirty. Don't take friendliness the wrong way. Makes things awkward. 

If I really just don't give you the time of day, I would Hope that's pretty obvious, but some of you are totally oblivious and only see what you want to see. When I say I'll call, and don't...please just take the hint. 

Stop trying and just accept we're only gonna be friends. If I'm interested, I'll let you know. Until then back off, you're driving me nuts. I'd like to stay friends, but if you really just can't get the picture, I'll gladly draw it out for you.

Thanks! Needed to get that off my chest :)

Dirty Work

Update...all has been well, for the most part. Reconciled with some, said goodbye to others, but overall I've been content. Until this morning...

Please tell me why my dad has my mom give me an intervention speech before work? I mean does he really want those drivers to die as I'm driving to the office? Because I tend to be aggressive when I'm mad. 

She says they're worried I'm not eating enough and not getting the proper nutrients that my body needs. She wants to schedule an appointment for me with a doctor. Great!...Well thank you, I know my appetite hasn't been normal for months now, but does that really make me anorexic?! Apparently dad seems to think I am...Awesome! Way to increase my anxiety, which just so happens to decrease my appetite! 

I'm lethargic because I enjoy knitting in the evenings, instead of going to the gym...hmm...

Thank you for bringing up the one thing I miss the most in my life. You want me to workout, but yet I'm too thin? Fascinating! 

The kicker...ready?...Mom comes into the office with DONUTS, seriously people?! Apparently, it's really dad who is concerned (which is true). Mom lets me eat when I'm hungry and lets it go when I'm not, which is how it should be. I am an adult and know my own body. Why can't he do his own dirty work? He has to send mom?! Bless her heart...I do feel bad for getting upset with her. 

I need out of this fish bowl I'm living in! :(

Boredom!

So, I'm at work...bored...nothing new there. Andy (my boss), apparently isn't coming in today. A simple call would have been nice, letting me know this. There's a very good chance I would have taken the day off! Especially since the weather is BEAUTIFUL and rain is coming tomorrow through the weekend. What good are days off when you can't enjoy being out?!

In the past I wouldn't mind being bored. I'd usually read, look random stuff up online, play games, watch movies. But I felt bad for that lol, so I broke that habit. I'm thinking of picking up the reading one again though. Otherwise, I just sit here and think. And thinking too much can be a bad thing.

Speaking of boring...this blog is Wack, so I'm going to leave it at that. Ciao! :)

Temperamental

So I'm on my way home for lunch today, get off on my exit, and sit at the red light for over 5 minutes...(low blood sugar+short fuse=no bueno) needless to say, I'm fuming at this point. Making it worse, apparently a cop is a few cars in front of me and Finally decides to do something about this ridiculous light. 

I make it home, calmed down a little, walk inside to tell the rents about this absurd light. Dad rolls his eyes, sighs, continues his conversation with mom as if I am blowing the situation up (ok so maybe I did). They walk out on the deck to talk and leave the door open; I sit to play the piano and calm down completely (dad just spiked the temper back up some). 

Tell me why this dude huffs and mumbles loud enough for me to hear and closes the door. Oh, I was LIVID! It still makes me mad. But I think the root of it is that it hurt. My playing sucks? You're tired of hearing me play the same things? You know what songs I play when I'm in an ill mood, and you just don't want to deal with me?

I don't want to play anymore with anyone around. That might be silly, but it's how he made me feel. Just because I'm in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to join me, making me the cause of your bad mood. It just escalades my own! 

When I left to head back to work, they're back inside and he tries to ask what's wrong. No response, I just head toward the door. He huffs over saying he's going to walk me out...in a calm tone... 

"No, I'm fine, I just want to go back to work". 

"Really, let me walk you out so we can talk. Are you mad at me?" 

"No seriously, I don't want to talk. I just want to go back to work".  

Why don't people listen. I'm trying to keep a level head and walk away, but keep pushing, and eventually, I'm gonna let it out. Sometimes, I hate that I can be so temperamental :-/

What dreams may come

Dreams; what are they? Do they mean something? What do they represent? 

Everyone has those chase scene dreams, where you never really get away. Why? As fast as you run, it's never fast enough. It's really frustrating. 

I am always chased by a man - always around the same age - usually with a gun - trying to shoot me. WTF?! I never did anything to him! Unfortunately, he always catches up to me and I have to face him at some point.

Well the other night, I got ahold of a gun myself. But when I turned to face him, no matter how many times I shot him, he kept coming as if he were just fine! As bad as it is, I even aimed for his head. Why wouldn't he fall? It made me question my aim, which in real life probably isn't great. 

Is this dream telling me I try to fight the menaces in life trying to chase me away? That if I get a gun, it won't be effective? That no matter if I fight, life will eventually take me down? That sucks. 

I don't wake up remembering most dreams, especially long enough to write it down later. But this one, as well as other "chase dreams", is stuck in my memory. 

What am I running from? What am I fighting?