Whirlwinds & Tornados

The last month has been a whirlwind of emotions. Finding solid ground to land on has seemed impossible. Just when I think I'll find my footing, I get swept back up.

I realize everything happens for a reason... knowing the whys and hows would sometimes be nice though. His hands are big and strong, and I trust Him completely... but it still isn't always easy to let go and trust. 

The entire last year has been a roller-coaster; more downs than ups. But this summer I've enjoyed the higher points. While the last month has been scary... it's been great, very refreshing. I've been challenged, and even though it's not always fun, it's been good for me. 

Last week was just what I needed :) And I want more of it... but only time will tell. I think that's what scares me... the unknown. 

On top of the whirlwind, a tornado touched down and threw me for a loop. Have my prayers been answered? Is it really possible? All the emotional scarring from the past year... for what? I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry, probably a combination of the two. 

There's no point in looking back and holding on... let what has been be, and learn from it as I move forward... that is what I intend on doing. But the past still hurts. Can you truly let go and be free from it? I hope so...  

Hunny Bunny

Random fact of the day: I may try to act like a hard ass, but in reality I'm a very sensitive person. Those of you reading who know me well, are probably smiling and nodding in agreement lol. 

I suck at keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden. Honesty is very important to me, which might be why I suck at lying :) 

When I'm happy, I can't keep a smile or giggle in. When I'm mad, haha well... it's quite obvious. And when I'm down, or deep in thought, hiding it is impossible. 

The last year has been hellacious, and unfortunately for those closest to me, you've seen my ups and downs. You'll never understand how truly grateful I am for your love and unfailing support. I can only hope and pray to be half of what you've been for me. 

Before this roller-coaster year, I knew who I was, what I wanted. I felt like I had a lot to offer. College was a time for me to learn a great deal; about myself, life lessons, and made me realize who/what I don't want to be. 

One of my biggest struggles has been feeling unwanted, 'tainted', worthless. Like I have nothing to offer anymore. It's taken over a year to finally feel like I'm healing and accepting my reality, but not letting it define who I am. I lost my sense of self.

Being a passionate/sensitive/emotional person makes it difficult to look at certain situations objectively. I know I do have a lot to offer, and I'm worth the time/effort. I want to be seen for Me, not the scarlet letter I feel burned onto me. Expecting you to automatically be able to do this is unrealistic. I just hope in time you won't have to try to look past it, you just will. 

I don't want to feel 'tainted'... I want to be accepted, for me. My baggage is an issue, one I feel shame & guilt over... I can only hope the weight of it will lighten more with time... :-'