Stickers

I'm going to shed some stickers from my life! Why?... because I have too many stuck on me and I'm So tired of feeling weighed down.

If you have an opinion of how I should be, live my life, do/say this or that... by all means, let it be known. I'll listen, consider... but ultimately... it's MY life. These are MY choices, and I will do what I damn well feel like. So if I don't follow your ideal path for me, let it go. Don't try to preach or shove your opinion down my throat. It's the fastest way to be pushed away from me. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts/opinions/what have you... I'll respect yours, so respect mine. If you don't agree... learn how to agree to disagree.

Guilt... a sticker I will never truly be able to shed, but I can try. It eats at me. A simple look, sound, gesture... they may mean a lot more to me than you intend. It's because I care, about certain peoples thoughts, feelings, etc. I tend to put those ahead of what I want. I'd rather be unhappy than see someone else feel down. But with all the negative that surrounds me, I have to remember to keep my chin up and look to the positive. Sometimes that's easier said than done, but its vital for me. Just know that sometimes, your actions/words hit a wound you didn't know existed, and it hurts, deeply.

I have to stop pushing those I care most about away because I'm scared. Fear needs to just go away. Another thing that probably isn't completely possible, but I'll make a valiant effort. I'm so scared I'll lose the one I love most. Scared I'll let you down, I wont be enough or what you want. Terrified... that I'll make you unhappy. The fear of falling back down is constantly there, and losing myself. I'm tired of feeling lost.

Is it That important that I answer the phone before the 3rd ring? Seriously, get over yourself... use the extra hand & ear God gave you and pick up the phone yourself. This is a prime example of one of the stupid negatives that add up... don't let the little things mean so much. After a while the pile keeps growing and gets to be too much. It's time to stop suffocating myself with minute details. Shit happens, gotta let it go and move on.

Please stop making me feel like working out is what makes me Me. Yes, it was something I did a great deal... when I had time, when I felt strong. I don't have the same time, or strength. Let me work my way back up. Hitting rock bottom sucks, and it takes time to climb back out of that hole. It doesn't just happen over night. But just because it was something I did a lot, doesn't mean it's who I am now.

I'm trying to figure that part out all over again. Patience and understanding is what I need. Not pushiness or overbearing opinions. Telling me what I need won't get you anywhere. Listening and sometimes space is what works well. I need to identify these "stickers" and figure out how to shed them. Hopefully it won't be as impossible as it sounds....

...

looming; heavy

shadows descending.

extending reach.

planted footfall

on crystal,

gaping darkness.

misting doubt;

forced leap.

Incompetence!

I need to vent a little, so if you don't want to read, I don't really care one way or the other....

It has come to my attention that so much of the workforce is managed by incompetent idiots, who are actually managed by their  employees. I am tired of having to organize or pick up my boss' shit! If I'm going to be your personal assistant, my job description needs to be changed, I demand a raise, and I'll be keeping a detailed schedule of your day to day, since you can't seem to keep up with it yourself.

It would be kind of nice if you had the courtesy of letting me know you have meetings scheduled, so I can at least be prepared when random people walk in the door expecting that I know who they are and what they're doing here. Don't make me look like the idiot.

Oh, and when you aren't going to come into work or are running late, I know you're technically my boss...but a simple phone call would be nice. That way, when Your boss calls trying to find you, I'll know what to say...or better yet, call Your boss! Everyone should be help accountable, even you. 

No one is above answering the phone. Unless you are paying my salary, you have two ears, two hands, and are capable of saying "Hello, how may I help you". It only rings an average of 15 times a day, so you shouldn't be overwhelmed. Making me come into work to answer the phone is unacceptable. If you have time to dabble in non-work related internet whatnot...you have time to help out a little. 

Oh! And for those of you who think you don't have to help maintain a level of cleanliness (ie washing your own damn dishes), you have another thing coming. Just because I am a female, does not mean I have to do all the cleaning around here. Once again, you have two hands...the toilet/sinks need wiping, vacuuming is not rocket science, and don't try to say you're busy...because watching YouTube, or reading India's news does not count. 

You don't know how to manage anyone, much less yourself. I'm tired of acting like your mom and reminding you of work that needs to get done, or is past due! Stop trying to take over every little thing I do and take credit for it. It's almost been 9 months and this custom label shit is STILL not up and running! Quit dragging your feet and DO YOUR JOB! 

Ok, sorry...I think I'm good for now :)

Whirlwinds & Tornados

The last month has been a whirlwind of emotions. Finding solid ground to land on has seemed impossible. Just when I think I'll find my footing, I get swept back up.

I realize everything happens for a reason... knowing the whys and hows would sometimes be nice though. His hands are big and strong, and I trust Him completely... but it still isn't always easy to let go and trust. 

The entire last year has been a roller-coaster; more downs than ups. But this summer I've enjoyed the higher points. While the last month has been scary... it's been great, very refreshing. I've been challenged, and even though it's not always fun, it's been good for me. 

Last week was just what I needed :) And I want more of it... but only time will tell. I think that's what scares me... the unknown. 

On top of the whirlwind, a tornado touched down and threw me for a loop. Have my prayers been answered? Is it really possible? All the emotional scarring from the past year... for what? I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry, probably a combination of the two. 

There's no point in looking back and holding on... let what has been be, and learn from it as I move forward... that is what I intend on doing. But the past still hurts. Can you truly let go and be free from it? I hope so...  

Hunny Bunny

Random fact of the day: I may try to act like a hard ass, but in reality I'm a very sensitive person. Those of you reading who know me well, are probably smiling and nodding in agreement lol. 

I suck at keeping my thoughts and feelings hidden. Honesty is very important to me, which might be why I suck at lying :) 

When I'm happy, I can't keep a smile or giggle in. When I'm mad, haha well... it's quite obvious. And when I'm down, or deep in thought, hiding it is impossible. 

The last year has been hellacious, and unfortunately for those closest to me, you've seen my ups and downs. You'll never understand how truly grateful I am for your love and unfailing support. I can only hope and pray to be half of what you've been for me. 

Before this roller-coaster year, I knew who I was, what I wanted. I felt like I had a lot to offer. College was a time for me to learn a great deal; about myself, life lessons, and made me realize who/what I don't want to be. 

One of my biggest struggles has been feeling unwanted, 'tainted', worthless. Like I have nothing to offer anymore. It's taken over a year to finally feel like I'm healing and accepting my reality, but not letting it define who I am. I lost my sense of self.

Being a passionate/sensitive/emotional person makes it difficult to look at certain situations objectively. I know I do have a lot to offer, and I'm worth the time/effort. I want to be seen for Me, not the scarlet letter I feel burned onto me. Expecting you to automatically be able to do this is unrealistic. I just hope in time you won't have to try to look past it, you just will. 

I don't want to feel 'tainted'... I want to be accepted, for me. My baggage is an issue, one I feel shame & guilt over... I can only hope the weight of it will lighten more with time... :-' 

Platonic Possibilities

There is an ongoing debate as to whether or not guys and girls can really be 'just friends'. I read an article the other day on yahoo explaining how to have a relationship, and still have friends of the opposite sex. It was repetitive and pretty lame...basically saying you have to keep the lines of communication open and be honest. And if your other half is not okay with the friendship, you should put your relationship first. I find it sad that people should have to be told this...seems like a common sense kind of thing to me. 

Anywho...I've never had many female friends. They tend to be catty and bitchy, so I have my select few, leaving the rest to be guys. Which is probably why I had to write my previous blog. My standards are pretty high, and its very rare that I come across a male friend who meets them. That may sound conceited, but the fact is...I'm not going to settle. I've done it before and look where it got me! 

I'd like to consider myself a good friend. Always there to listen/talk/give a helping hand, whatever it is my friend needs. Unfortunately, some take that the wrong way and think more into it than is really there. As long as they can accept I just want to be their friend, there's no problem. 

Communication is important in any relationship; whether it be friends, family, etc. As long as both parties are clear on where the friendship stands, and can accept it...there should be no problem. 

Granted...my dad is probably right, one person may want more than just friendship, but they have to decide if they can settle with just being platonic friends. Otherwise, it's not going to work. 

Ok this is lame so I'll stop rambling :)

Just not that into you...at all

Here's the deal guys...I'm tired of wasting my energy worrying about how to let you down without hurting your feelings. So take notes, and don't take it too personally. 

I'm not into playing games, and I'm not one, so don't try to play me. What you see is what you get. If you ask me when I'll come see you and I don't commit or don't respond in a timely fashion, thats not because I'm busy, it's because I'm trying to find a nice way of say 'it ain't gonna happen'.

Just because I might smile and be a little flirty, that doesn't mean I want you in any other way than a friend. If you know me at all, you'd know I'm flirty. Don't take friendliness the wrong way. Makes things awkward. 

If I really just don't give you the time of day, I would Hope that's pretty obvious, but some of you are totally oblivious and only see what you want to see. When I say I'll call, and don't...please just take the hint. 

Stop trying and just accept we're only gonna be friends. If I'm interested, I'll let you know. Until then back off, you're driving me nuts. I'd like to stay friends, but if you really just can't get the picture, I'll gladly draw it out for you.

Thanks! Needed to get that off my chest :)

Dirty Work

Update...all has been well, for the most part. Reconciled with some, said goodbye to others, but overall I've been content. Until this morning...

Please tell me why my dad has my mom give me an intervention speech before work? I mean does he really want those drivers to die as I'm driving to the office? Because I tend to be aggressive when I'm mad. 

She says they're worried I'm not eating enough and not getting the proper nutrients that my body needs. She wants to schedule an appointment for me with a doctor. Great!...Well thank you, I know my appetite hasn't been normal for months now, but does that really make me anorexic?! Apparently dad seems to think I am...Awesome! Way to increase my anxiety, which just so happens to decrease my appetite! 

I'm lethargic because I enjoy knitting in the evenings, instead of going to the gym...hmm...

Thank you for bringing up the one thing I miss the most in my life. You want me to workout, but yet I'm too thin? Fascinating! 

The kicker...ready?...Mom comes into the office with DONUTS, seriously people?! Apparently, it's really dad who is concerned (which is true). Mom lets me eat when I'm hungry and lets it go when I'm not, which is how it should be. I am an adult and know my own body. Why can't he do his own dirty work? He has to send mom?! Bless her heart...I do feel bad for getting upset with her. 

I need out of this fish bowl I'm living in! :(

Boredom!

So, I'm at work...bored...nothing new there. Andy (my boss), apparently isn't coming in today. A simple call would have been nice, letting me know this. There's a very good chance I would have taken the day off! Especially since the weather is BEAUTIFUL and rain is coming tomorrow through the weekend. What good are days off when you can't enjoy being out?!

In the past I wouldn't mind being bored. I'd usually read, look random stuff up online, play games, watch movies. But I felt bad for that lol, so I broke that habit. I'm thinking of picking up the reading one again though. Otherwise, I just sit here and think. And thinking too much can be a bad thing.

Speaking of boring...this blog is Wack, so I'm going to leave it at that. Ciao! :)

Temperamental

So I'm on my way home for lunch today, get off on my exit, and sit at the red light for over 5 minutes...(low blood sugar+short fuse=no bueno) needless to say, I'm fuming at this point. Making it worse, apparently a cop is a few cars in front of me and Finally decides to do something about this ridiculous light. 

I make it home, calmed down a little, walk inside to tell the rents about this absurd light. Dad rolls his eyes, sighs, continues his conversation with mom as if I am blowing the situation up (ok so maybe I did). They walk out on the deck to talk and leave the door open; I sit to play the piano and calm down completely (dad just spiked the temper back up some). 

Tell me why this dude huffs and mumbles loud enough for me to hear and closes the door. Oh, I was LIVID! It still makes me mad. But I think the root of it is that it hurt. My playing sucks? You're tired of hearing me play the same things? You know what songs I play when I'm in an ill mood, and you just don't want to deal with me?

I don't want to play anymore with anyone around. That might be silly, but it's how he made me feel. Just because I'm in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to join me, making me the cause of your bad mood. It just escalades my own! 

When I left to head back to work, they're back inside and he tries to ask what's wrong. No response, I just head toward the door. He huffs over saying he's going to walk me out...in a calm tone... 

"No, I'm fine, I just want to go back to work". 

"Really, let me walk you out so we can talk. Are you mad at me?" 

"No seriously, I don't want to talk. I just want to go back to work".  

Why don't people listen. I'm trying to keep a level head and walk away, but keep pushing, and eventually, I'm gonna let it out. Sometimes, I hate that I can be so temperamental :-/

What dreams may come

Dreams; what are they? Do they mean something? What do they represent? 

Everyone has those chase scene dreams, where you never really get away. Why? As fast as you run, it's never fast enough. It's really frustrating. 

I am always chased by a man - always around the same age - usually with a gun - trying to shoot me. WTF?! I never did anything to him! Unfortunately, he always catches up to me and I have to face him at some point.

Well the other night, I got ahold of a gun myself. But when I turned to face him, no matter how many times I shot him, he kept coming as if he were just fine! As bad as it is, I even aimed for his head. Why wouldn't he fall? It made me question my aim, which in real life probably isn't great. 

Is this dream telling me I try to fight the menaces in life trying to chase me away? That if I get a gun, it won't be effective? That no matter if I fight, life will eventually take me down? That sucks. 

I don't wake up remembering most dreams, especially long enough to write it down later. But this one, as well as other "chase dreams", is stuck in my memory. 

What am I running from? What am I fighting?

What Ifs...

To live one's life looking back, and wondering about all those 'what ifs' takes away from the pleasure of the present. Well, letting go is easier said than done, and quite frankly...that sucks. I want to let go; I want to move on; I want to be rid of this nagging 'what if'!

That fact is 'what if' isn't; so its pointless to linger over something that cannot be altered. Maybe it isn't so much what if, as knowing what it would/could have been? That's just as stupid to be stuck on though!

Everyone moves through life at their own pace, down their own path. Will our paths ever intertwine again? Should I have stayed, or was leaving the right thing to do? 'What if' I'd stayed? Should I have stayed? Guess I'll never know. 

I thought I'd washed my hands of this. Why now? Why can't this haunting stop?! This hollow feeling needs to go away! I'm ready to let go. 

Road Rage

Have you ever been driving along, glance in your rearview mirror and notice the person behind you fuming and sometimes yelling? Well that person behind you is probably me :)

Yes, I have a touch of road rage, at times. I was asked what caused me to get to this point of physical expression. Well, I honestly didn't have a clue. So it's high time I considered this question and have decided to write it here. 

Sometimes I'm in a rush because, like so many females, I'm running late. In which case, I Always get stuck behind the slowest driver alive! This is when patience would be great; but unfortunately, my patience can only last so long. 

Then there are those "rare" drivers, who either cut you off or ride your tail (sparking your own road rage). Nothing like making someone else mad just because you are.

I have considered that my anger is first triggered by fear. I don't trust other drivers. There are the others with road rage who drive like maniacs, the thoughtless ones on the phone who can't multi-task and swerve into your lane or go beyond slow. I'm probably leaving some out, but those are the two types that cause me the most trouble. While I might tend to be aggressive at times, I'm very defensive as well. I have to be, with all the crazies out there who somehow got a license. 

So those are the two factors in escalating my road rage, running late & fear of other driver's stupidity. I've found that I become uneasy when I don't have control over certain situations. Driving is definitely one of them. 

Procrastination

I'm probably one of the worst procrastinators of all time. It's quite sad really; but as hard as I try to improve, I put even that off! :)

My therapist told me the other day that apparently it's a sign of depression. Well, considering all of the people out there that procrastinate, does that mean pretty much everyone is depressed? That's a disheartening thought! And here I was feeling like my mood had gotten better and I was healing. However, I think that it's a symptom for those people who didn't already procrastinate. 

I've never considered myself to be a very assertive person. That's something I'd like to change. Going with the flow is how I've primarily lived my life. But that's not necessarily the best route. Like most things, there needs to be a balance. Knowing when to assert myself, and when to ride the waves is something I'm learning; slow but surely.  

John 1:38

³⁸ Jesus looked around and saw them following. “What do you want?” he asked them.

What do I want?...

I'm struck by this simple, yet complex question. Sure I've filled out surveys asking this very question, but I haven't Really figured it out. It is something that is always changing, yet the same. I want to be happy. I want to feel wanted & loved. I want to know my purpose in this life. I want my family & friends to be safe and happy. I want to be financially secure. There are sooo many things I want; but at the root of it all...what do I want? 

With millions of layers to the question, there are just as many answers. But what is the right answer? Is there one? I know that without God, nothing is possible. So should I simply say that I want God in my life, to guide me down that path He has chosen for me? I just don't know.

I've felt this nagging feeling of being useless, as if I have no purpose. Or that I'm floating, unsure of where I need to be or what I need to be doing. And beyond that, what the reason for my being is. Am I here on this Earth to accomplish something? Big or small? Will I have any impact on one life, or many? Is there a chance that I am simply here to be here, and enjoy life as it comes? Ugh! So many questions that form out of this one question. It is not a small or simple question. But maybe it could be...Who is to say?

Veronique

I finished reading a book last night, and while it's not unusual for me to tear up while reading, this one brought on a monsoon. The words blurring as I attempted to go on. Few novels have ever affected me so deeply, or kept me up wanting to write about them. 

This particular story is of the French Revolution from 1789-1795. An aristocratic girl falls in love with a 'nobody' and finds their roles reversed. After the fall of the royal family, the church, and any privileged family this young man has influence and the means to provide for her. 

The characters themselves is not what struck me, but the thought of "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" Alfred Lord Tennyson. This bond and devotion between these two characters is unbreakable. The truest of true love. Even Imagining the devastation this girl is feeling as her beloved is taken to the guillotine (completely innocent of any crime) breaks my heart. I tear up thinking about it! Actually feeling the sadness she experiences is impossible. 

I would rather never love like that and have to lose them. This may seem ignorant, since I've never experienced that kind of love, but I think it would be better living in my ignorant bliss. Many believe it is worth feeling that all consuming love. I simply disagree. The emptiness would be too much. This poor girl went from having everything, to losing her father, close friends, and ultimately the one she would love forever. I hate the Revolution. Or rather, those extremist who let the power of being "God" go too far. Too many people died, too much blood was shed. There had to be a better way. Unfortunately, what's done is done, and this was just a story.